I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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