so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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