What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
