omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
