i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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