i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
