i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
