If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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