Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Michael Bay diarrhea
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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