I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think your dad took our porno
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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