so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize