she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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