I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
