Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
