shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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