So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
