bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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