Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
