That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
