I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
