shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
