I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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