watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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