it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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