Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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