I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
