He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
