its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
