I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
