I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
