I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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