So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
