i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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