They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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