Three words: puerto rican gang bang
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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