to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
