Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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