god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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