So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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