Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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