At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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