He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize