he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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