i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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