Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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