got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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