Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was confusing and full of hummus
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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