o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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