o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize