i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
