So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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