does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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