no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
