Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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