Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
