I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
