I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
