i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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