Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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