I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
