I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
