google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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