Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
