I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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