People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
