i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
