our cab driver is having phone sex.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
