i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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