I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
