you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
