i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
