Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
