My Higher Power is John Stamos
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
