Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
