How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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